I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
