You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
