You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
