New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
