mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
