I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
