Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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