It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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