im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
