An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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