jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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