Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
