It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
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the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
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She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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