I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just googled if crying burns calories
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
