Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
