I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just invented taco cereal.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
