Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
