pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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