jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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