how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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