if i can run in heels then i can drive
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
