I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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