I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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