Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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