I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
