Best friends brother. Beat that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
