Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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