Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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