They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
