My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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