Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
