I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
