I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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