I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
