the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.