Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.