Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.