My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
