I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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