Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
