If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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