her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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