My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So here I am, sexting at work.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
