Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
