we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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