My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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