Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
