She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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