it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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