Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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