I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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