I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
