I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
