my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
