Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
