Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
