I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
